And also
It turns out that i am madly in love with someone ,who is my life , and my imagination never crosses him ,
Still i bump into such rough thoughts about relationships and life
Saturday, September 12, 2009
And
Never love someone more than own self.
Never take anyone for granted.
Treat people like they were a part of your own flesh .
If they dont reciprocate dont care ,if they besmirch , kick their ass.
If you feel like spitting slangs on someone's face ,just do it ,its better than getting a heart attack out of suppressed anger.
Move with the zeigeist, you wont feel left out .
Money is everything ,just go after it .
If you feel looks are everything ,yes they are ,but than dont look at the person's heart.
In short ,live your life all own your own , as if there were just you ,you and you and all the beauty around you .
Who cares if someone's there .
Sometimes ,tastes don't match ,sometimes philosophies ,
even if you are in the same bed you still might feel the largest gap in this creation .
I guess there is no fulfillment outside.Sometimes i wish man were a hermaphrodite ,so that he didnt have to look outside for sexual gratification .
After its all about amorous love ,that we cant live without .Yes that is what it boils down to .
Gratification is our god .And every human chooses to find it another human .
Thats what it is .
Never love someone more than own self.
Never take anyone for granted.
Treat people like they were a part of your own flesh .
If they dont reciprocate dont care ,if they besmirch , kick their ass.
If you feel like spitting slangs on someone's face ,just do it ,its better than getting a heart attack out of suppressed anger.
Move with the zeigeist, you wont feel left out .
Money is everything ,just go after it .
If you feel looks are everything ,yes they are ,but than dont look at the person's heart.
In short ,live your life all own your own , as if there were just you ,you and you and all the beauty around you .
Who cares if someone's there .
Sometimes ,tastes don't match ,sometimes philosophies ,
even if you are in the same bed you still might feel the largest gap in this creation .
I guess there is no fulfillment outside.Sometimes i wish man were a hermaphrodite ,so that he didnt have to look outside for sexual gratification .
After its all about amorous love ,that we cant live without .Yes that is what it boils down to .
Gratification is our god .And every human chooses to find it another human .
Thats what it is .
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
There are certain days which cease to say no to you ..They keep on shouting ..YES ,YES ,YES.
There are certain things which have to happen ,and it is a law of nature ,crest ---trough---crest....
There are certain people you have to meet and it is probably written that you would meet them.
There are certain people you would love and thats inevitable ,it is beyond the parochialism of monogamy or monandry.
Yeah life is just inevitable .
Saturday, September 5, 2009
DOUG ::"I THINK WE ARE DONE ON THIS . I PROBABLY DONT WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE .YOU HAVE SPLATTERED EVERYTHING YOU HAD WANTED TO OVER THESE DAYS .NOW WHAT ELSE??.LETS JUST GET ALONG OUR OWN WAYS .BYE.THIS IS THE LAST TIME I AM SEEING YOU ."AS HE MUTTERED THESE WORDS UNDER HIS BREATH ,HE HIMSELF COUDNT BELIEVE WHAT HE HAD UNINTENTIONALLY BLURTED OUT ,BUT AS THEY SAY LIFE IS A FICKLE BITCH AND ANGER MORE FICKLE THAN THAT .DID HE REALLY MEAN IT ??NO .NEVER .NOT AT LEAST TO THE PERSON HE LOVED THE MOST .HE KNEW SOMEWHERE AT THE BOTTOM OF HIS HEART THAT HER TEARS HAD BELIED HER HARSHNESS ,EVERYTIME THEY HAD .SHE HAD JUST BEEN STARKLY HONEST .WHAT ELSE ??BUT THIS TIME THE REFERENCE OF AN ALIEN HAD TORN HIS HEART APART .HE COUDNT BELIEVE IT ?? HOW COULD IT BE .
ISABELLA :: "YOUR WISH".FIGHTING THE UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE OF DRAGGING HIS HAND OUT AND SAYING THAT I POSSIBLY COUDNT THRIVE WITHOUT YOU .
SHE GATHERED ALL HER BREATH ,SHE WAS BARELY BREATHING AND SAID ."IN THIS FATEFUL OCCASION CALLED LIFE ,UNFORTUNATE EVENTS ARE COMMON BUT WE STILL TRY TO REDUCE THE UNCERTAINTY AND DANGER BY WELCOMING COMFORT ,NOT DOING AWAY WITH IT .BY ALL CHANCES BY LOOSING ME TO THE PRECARIOUSNESS OF FATE TODAY YOU ARE LOOSING TO THE MORIBUND OF FATE SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL AND WORTHY THAT ALL MEN ,YES ALL MEN LOST WHEN THEY RIPPED MY SOUL APART AND ABANDONED TO THE MERCY OF HELL.I WILL SAY I STILL HAVE A FAITH AGAINST FATE ,THAT I WOULD FIND LOVE ,BUT GOD HATH MERCY ON YOU ,YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT EVEN IF IT IS JUST NEXT TO YOU".
ISABELLA :: "YOUR WISH".FIGHTING THE UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE OF DRAGGING HIS HAND OUT AND SAYING THAT I POSSIBLY COUDNT THRIVE WITHOUT YOU .
SHE GATHERED ALL HER BREATH ,SHE WAS BARELY BREATHING AND SAID ."IN THIS FATEFUL OCCASION CALLED LIFE ,UNFORTUNATE EVENTS ARE COMMON BUT WE STILL TRY TO REDUCE THE UNCERTAINTY AND DANGER BY WELCOMING COMFORT ,NOT DOING AWAY WITH IT .BY ALL CHANCES BY LOOSING ME TO THE PRECARIOUSNESS OF FATE TODAY YOU ARE LOOSING TO THE MORIBUND OF FATE SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL AND WORTHY THAT ALL MEN ,YES ALL MEN LOST WHEN THEY RIPPED MY SOUL APART AND ABANDONED TO THE MERCY OF HELL.I WILL SAY I STILL HAVE A FAITH AGAINST FATE ,THAT I WOULD FIND LOVE ,BUT GOD HATH MERCY ON YOU ,YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT EVEN IF IT IS JUST NEXT TO YOU".
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
ON BLOGGING AND FLOGGING ,NICE RHETORIC---- HOW YOU RATE MY GMAT ESSAY??????
I WILL GO WITH THE FACT THAT BEING A PUBLIC FIGURE HAS ITS OWN MERITS AND DEMERITS.WHEN I SAY "PUBLIC FIGURE" IT IMPLIES SOMETHING WHICH PERTAINS TO THE PUBLIC .IN COMMON PARLANCE A POLITICIAN, A SPORTSMAN OR A MOVIESTAR ARE ALL PUBLIC FIGURES. YES WE ARE THE ONES WHO MAKE THEM AND WE ARE THE ONES WHO BREAK THEM. TAKE FOR EXAMPLE A POLITICIAN .NOW A DAYS MOST OF THE COUNTRIES HAVE A DEMOCRATIC SYSTEM OF GOVERNANCE ,WE CHOOSE WHO WE WANT AND REJECT THOSE WHO WE DON’T WANT .HIS ONUS HIS POSITION DECIDE THE COURSE OF OUR LIVES .WHETHER WE GET GOOD MEDICAL FACILITIES,ROADS,TAX BENEFITS ET AL ALL DEPEND ON HIS DISCRETION SO HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WE DON’T WATCH WHAT HE IS DOING .WHETHER HE ACTUALLY FITS INTO THE ROLE WE ONCE CHOSE HIM TO FIT INTO.EITHER IT IS HIS PUBLIC LIFE OR PRIVATE LIFE , HIS CONDUCT AND COURSE OF ACTION DOES AFFECT OUR LIVES BECAUSE HE IS THE EMBODIMENT OF THE TRUST OF THE LAYMAN ,AND HENCE HE STAYS IN THE PUBLIC EYE.
COMING TO SPORTSMEN ,IN A COUNTRY LIKE INDIA ,PEOPLE EAT CRICKET ,DRINK CRICKET AND LIVE CRICKET OR SAY IN A COUNTRY LIKE BRAZIL FOOTBALL IS A RITUAL AND FOOTBALL STARS .PEOPLE DROP OUT OF THEIR OFFICES TO WATCH THEIR FAVORITE TEAM PLAYING .A CHILD IN AN IGNOMINIOUS CORNER OF THE CITY WATCHES HIS ROLE MODEL AND DREAMS OF BECOMING LIKE HIM ONE DAY . FOR AFRICANS REELING UNDER POVERTY ,STARVATION AND AIDS AND STRIVING FOR THE ATTENTION OF THE WORLD THE OLYMPICS IS THE TO AT LEAST SHOWCASE THEIR TALENT .OR THE ATHELETES FROM THE WAR SEETHING COUNTRIES OF THE ONCE UPON A TIME USSR WHO MAKE THEIR MARK IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS ,THY ARE THE BEACON OF HOPE FOR ONE AND ALL .
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ARE SPENT EVERYYEAR ,FOR EVERYEVENT ON ADVERTISING SO THAT THEY CAN SELL THEIR PRODUCT IF A FAMOUS ATHELETE LIKE RONALDO ENDORSES IT .WHY ??BECAUSE THEY ARE OUR ROLE MODELS .IN THE MORIBUND OF OUR EVERYDAY LIVES WE ACTUALLY LOOK UP TO THESE PEOPLE FOR INSPIRATION ,CHANGE AND LIFE .IT IS OUR RIGHT TO DO THAT AND IT IS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO BE A PARADIGM OF PERFECTION .
COMING TO SPORTSMEN ,IN A COUNTRY LIKE INDIA ,PEOPLE EAT CRICKET ,DRINK CRICKET AND LIVE CRICKET OR SAY IN A COUNTRY LIKE BRAZIL FOOTBALL IS A RITUAL AND FOOTBALL STARS .PEOPLE DROP OUT OF THEIR OFFICES TO WATCH THEIR FAVORITE TEAM PLAYING .A CHILD IN AN IGNOMINIOUS CORNER OF THE CITY WATCHES HIS ROLE MODEL AND DREAMS OF BECOMING LIKE HIM ONE DAY . FOR AFRICANS REELING UNDER POVERTY ,STARVATION AND AIDS AND STRIVING FOR THE ATTENTION OF THE WORLD THE OLYMPICS IS THE TO AT LEAST SHOWCASE THEIR TALENT .OR THE ATHELETES FROM THE WAR SEETHING COUNTRIES OF THE ONCE UPON A TIME USSR WHO MAKE THEIR MARK IN THE HISTORY OF SPORTS ,THY ARE THE BEACON OF HOPE FOR ONE AND ALL .
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS ARE SPENT EVERYYEAR ,FOR EVERYEVENT ON ADVERTISING SO THAT THEY CAN SELL THEIR PRODUCT IF A FAMOUS ATHELETE LIKE RONALDO ENDORSES IT .WHY ??BECAUSE THEY ARE OUR ROLE MODELS .IN THE MORIBUND OF OUR EVERYDAY LIVES WE ACTUALLY LOOK UP TO THESE PEOPLE FOR INSPIRATION ,CHANGE AND LIFE .IT IS OUR RIGHT TO DO THAT AND IT IS THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO BE A PARADIGM OF PERFECTION .
Friday, August 21, 2009
VOYEUR
No i am certainly not here to beg approval or brook dismissal ...i am not even concerned that people come across my blog or not ,this is not for advertising how well i write or how many positive and encouraging comments i elicit,this is just a surge of billowing thoughts i coudnt keep to myself ,that i find it hard to express because people just dont want to know the reality ,coz it harsh and they try to elude it ,but how far can you run from its clutches before you succumb .
That now i am blogging not to vent my innate desires ,neither focus on some moot issue nor preparing for a B-SCHOOL interview ,it is just coming along ,without any particular cause.
That people often shun the fact that they are not alone ,that their existence can be independent .Usually it happens ,it happens when you are on a high ,and you dont see anything around you ,you just see yourself .There are moments when you are alone and you realize how much you craved for someone ,may be anyone ,i am not being specific about a lover or something.
We are basically a contradiction of sorts ,we often love to do what we hate the most .Yes i do .For example i would say i dont trust men but often i just try not to do so .
There are times when we come across a rueful poem of a poet ,who is languishing because of some unfulfilled desire ,and we just dont even care to go through the first line ,you see the heading and you skip it .
I might sound like ,the glass is half empty ,but if you ruminate for a while i would rather sound like the glass is not only half full but a little empty as well ,that just helps sometimes,you dont take anything for granted .
Life takes you across so many things ,if you think you are the best ,your ass is going to hit the bottom ,and you are going to be there for quite sometime .Yeah i havnt seen something so perfect that it would sustain collapse all the time .Certain things are inevitable ,and better be prepared than to run away .
I just hate the claustrophobia .I hate less ventilated rooms ,i hate to sleep ,i hate to wear salwars . I hate myself that way .I am not a voyeurist .Few days back i purchased a book of penguin paperback ,by IAN FLEMING ,short stories of JAMES BOND.On the front cover of the book ,you will find probably one of the most seductive pictures. It is not overtly naked ,it shows the subtlety of the features of a woman .I am not even tad ashamed that i loved it .There was a topless lady on the cover smoking a cigar ,her face was clouded ,so were her vital organs ,just the curves were prominent .I declare i loved it .
Few months back i happened to watch "READER".Right from the scene one ,i smelled something different .A friend was hooked to the laptop in anaticipation ,it just wasnt making sense to her ,i mean a boy meets a lady ,his mother's age and what would happen , what could happen .Trust me it was well beyond my surmise .Though ,if you would notice the eyes of kate winslet right from the beginning ,you would definitely not find any tint of motherly love or something .Her eyes were those of a woman , who wanted to love ,but no man came across , a woman who in her prime might have wanted to loose her virginity under a sheet of bedsheet but couldnt .I am woman , i can tell you how incomplete i feel without a man in my life .Whatever .Somewhere i saw that ,the movie had a rating for being one of the most unseductive but voyeuristic kind stacked against a few low-budget ,anti-classics.
BUT TELL ME ,how is it supposed to be ??Are people supposed to shave themshelves off everytime they indulge with someone ,or is that everything is supposed to happen within linen bed-sheets ,the way you find angelina jolie and antonio banderas interwined with each other in the original scene.I bet i hated SEX after i saw them.It was like ,they were enacting every scene of kamasutra one by one .Yes top ,bottom ,left ,right.What the hell......Are we trying to deceive people who havnt had a sexual intercouse that look it is a systematic procedure ,one act comes after another ,or shunning off people who already had had it .Why cant we see it RAW ,just the way it is ,that it is what it is irrespective of caste ,religion ,age or anything ,that nothing basically matters ,that there is no point in systematizing what is so much beyond our understanding .
To me ,as i reinforce my point everyone is a contradiction of sorts ,we love everything halfbaked .A close conversation with a friend revealed that he loved the means to an end ,he didnt love the end ,yeah we love to strip but we dont love to see the naked self .
I would say either you peel off the entire orange or just leave it unscathed ,unpeeled , because reality is harsh and half -reality is of no use.
These days i am taken over by a self-obsessive ,self empowering almost a self -subsuming kind of a sensation ...i would sound rather too self-expressive ,blatant or just you know what, a my kind of feeling...that might as well be rather intrusive or say a sardonic self-creation of myself ...yes i feel that 10 years down the lane ..i will be right there .(point blank)
And guess what ,as if newpapers ,scads of news channels were not enough ,people write about politics in their blogs (as i said before ,an idiosyncracy of some hi-portfolio people ).I would say FUCKING JERKS WAKE UP!!!! up ...and stop harassing others ,just why the heck you are doing something because every shithole around you is doing the same .cmn man ,give us a goddamn break.
FEMME FATALE
Lets start here ..my dad came across an article in INDIAN Express that is all about journalism ....it says leave the classroom ,enter the newsroom .I can very well understand the dilemma of the father of a confused daughter , err not confused ,overpotent but not knowning exactly what to do kindaa daughter ?at least that is the opinion i hold about myself .....
Okay lets get there .my potential of being a newsreader or what do people think about my writing ...i have just two followers ..ok i can console myself that people havnt just come across my blog ...may be some day when i make it to H **(I very well leave it to your intellectual guess) i can sport my blog as my comment status ...no matter whatever crap i write ,people would rave and rant(in their comments ) about mine being excessively intelligent ,captivating and thoughtful ,the way they do with writers like Ms De ,sorry for the mudslinging ,(at least she is still beautiful at 60 ) ,though a silent thought might make them wonder ..just why the hell is this jerk tweeting on a blogspot.No i am just being honest ,this is not out of sheer jealousy or heartache or something ,i was just browsing through this orkut CRAP and i come across the profiles of some females (I wont like to name them).Well i just hit upon a old friend's profile and i notice this black and white classic beauty in a picture ,and that is a kind of a complex for a 24 year old ,yes 24 ..coz frankly i woudnt stand a MORE beautiful or capable woman in my viscinity ,i would in fact work my ass to get her hell outta there .I follow her ...she has kindaa ..very ambiguous pseudonym to her name ..i ramshackle her profile badly ,here ,there(aftrer all who could it be(better than me??)).And guess what ,i wont like to reveal anymore about her anymore ,lesser the better ,no i am not being offensive ,i just figured her out.
And the plethora of wonderkinds from all the coveted places of the world are her feckless admirers is uncountable.After a little scrutiny i discover ,that she now belongs to one the hallowed institutions of the east.And she is indeed someone i know so well ,that the lesser i say the better .
I shoulda told dad ..lemme get there ...then i wont even need a degree for journalism to be a journo.
Okay lets get there .my potential of being a newsreader or what do people think about my writing ...i have just two followers ..ok i can console myself that people havnt just come across my blog ...may be some day when i make it to H **(I very well leave it to your intellectual guess) i can sport my blog as my comment status ...no matter whatever crap i write ,people would rave and rant(in their comments ) about mine being excessively intelligent ,captivating and thoughtful ,the way they do with writers like Ms De ,sorry for the mudslinging ,(at least she is still beautiful at 60 ) ,though a silent thought might make them wonder ..just why the hell is this jerk tweeting on a blogspot.No i am just being honest ,this is not out of sheer jealousy or heartache or something ,i was just browsing through this orkut CRAP and i come across the profiles of some females (I wont like to name them).Well i just hit upon a old friend's profile and i notice this black and white classic beauty in a picture ,and that is a kind of a complex for a 24 year old ,yes 24 ..coz frankly i woudnt stand a MORE beautiful or capable woman in my viscinity ,i would in fact work my ass to get her hell outta there .I follow her ...she has kindaa ..very ambiguous pseudonym to her name ..i ramshackle her profile badly ,here ,there(aftrer all who could it be(better than me??)).And guess what ,i wont like to reveal anymore about her anymore ,lesser the better ,no i am not being offensive ,i just figured her out.
And the plethora of wonderkinds from all the coveted places of the world are her feckless admirers is uncountable.After a little scrutiny i discover ,that she now belongs to one the hallowed institutions of the east.And she is indeed someone i know so well ,that the lesser i say the better .
I shoulda told dad ..lemme get there ...then i wont even need a degree for journalism to be a journo.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Last night i had a dream .I was sleeping with my face towards the ceiling and i was sleeping when i woke up in my dreams .Usually my dreams are full of apparitions but this one was pretty normal ...yeah so far as i rememeber i was near a sweet shop buying all varieties of sweets (Look i take sweets in the dreams also).I paid the bills and walked down the stairs and my cell phone rang .I responded and i knew who it was ...rest of the conversation i was silent and the voice kept
speaking .After i hung up i was quivering ,my feet were trembling and i could hardly walk ,gathering all my strength i when i descended the stairs ,i saw a very familiar face ,i recognized it .Heavens this dream was so differnt ...everyone was so familiar .The face was staring at me into my eyes ...the stare was so stark that i could barely stand it .It was asking me why ??????I tried to explain ...and the packet tumbled from my hands .The person turned his back and left .Soon all the noises started receding and i was alone ...standing there at the bottom of the staircase with nothing in my hands....
I could feel someones's hand shaking me .It was mom .I had woken up .......
speaking .After i hung up i was quivering ,my feet were trembling and i could hardly walk ,gathering all my strength i when i descended the stairs ,i saw a very familiar face ,i recognized it .Heavens this dream was so differnt ...everyone was so familiar .The face was staring at me into my eyes ...the stare was so stark that i could barely stand it .It was asking me why ??????I tried to explain ...and the packet tumbled from my hands .The person turned his back and left .Soon all the noises started receding and i was alone ...standing there at the bottom of the staircase with nothing in my hands....
I could feel someones's hand shaking me .It was mom .I had woken up .......
Monday, March 23, 2009
THE WHITE TIGER
One fine morning i opened my eyes.I was thinking again as usual .Last night i was going through the last few pages of the "MAN BOOKER" of 2008 ...THE WHITE TIGER.You know what a "WHITE TIGER " means in the literary sense .......it stands for a outstanding character.While i went to bed i was still thinking about the antagonist cum protgonist.Whether he was right in killing Mr. Ashok or was he a hardcore criminal .Have you been following the DELHI edition of THE INDIAN EXPRESS ..."New Delhi: Cop goes missing "..."10 YEAR OLD RAPED BY HER FATHER"...."CANNIBALS SENTENCED TO DEATH "...."AARUSHI SHARMA MYSTERY DEEPENS"..blah blah blah .
I just wandered deep into my thoughts as i waited my roomate to finish her turn ,so that i could go in to take my bath.
I think and think again ......and keep thinking and i reach a conclusion ..i dont know how sanity approves it .....BALRAM HALWAI did it right .The murder was well -devised and appropriate.He murdered his so-called suave boss ....barely thinking about what would happen to his family ........I know what you would say now ...that he should have stuck to him bare minimum salary ....sent half of it home and lived like another dirty worm in the drain who lived and died for nothing .
But ....he lived ...he lived for himself .....a lonely life though(Anyway he was lonely .......) ...and absolutely MADE IT ...whatever it was to him ....getting the best blonde or making 7 times the money he had eloped with .I feel that was his right ..he never got what he deserved .....He was pushed out of the school .....he had to clean the "ARSES" of his so-called masters,he had to live like a shodden animal just metres apart from the palatial chambers where his masters lived like kings .
And why ..i would like to quote "SOME MEN ARE BORN GREAT AND SOME BORN TO BE THEIR SLAVES ".Isnt it .
Every morning as you open your eyes ,every morning that you head to your workplace ,and every evening you come and see the faces of your loved ones everyone expects you to flash a smile on your face ,a big one , a confirmation that everything is safe and secure ..and if by chance some thing looks out of place ........no one even cares for a while before they come heavily on you .WHY AM I NOT HUMAN ?????? Is my life supposed to be perfect like the blonde travelling in a PORCHE flashing her tiara and her sunglasses .Oh no i forgot ..i wasn't born great ....Just that my father was not corrupt enough to hoodwink people and today i face the disaster ....just because he couldnt steal .
And those who did ...sorry no offences meant ....their beautiful lady florence like daughters ,travelling in those beautiful cars ,not even a speck of sunlight touching their golden colored skin ....look at them .Today i bear the dire consequences of my father's honesty .........And i am in no mood to do the same .
The crux of the matter is ..all of us ..we have reached a point ..where we dont respect anything..where love doesnt matter ,diligence doesnt matter ,honesty doesnt matter ....all that matters is what appeals to your flesh ..........
So what if BALRAM HALWAI muredered his boss .His act expurgated the "SINS" ....i.e honesty ...of his father .He absolved all his generations of ......pain ,humilition and oppression .....once and for all .
Yes for once and for all ...I am not a murderer ...you are not as well ...but at the end of the day who cares ..........if my a** gets kicked everyday ..should i hesiatate to do the same ...if i do ..i am undoubtedly GOD ..if i dont i BET i am the finest of all humans ......No offences meant
I just wandered deep into my thoughts as i waited my roomate to finish her turn ,so that i could go in to take my bath.
I think and think again ......and keep thinking and i reach a conclusion ..i dont know how sanity approves it .....BALRAM HALWAI did it right .The murder was well -devised and appropriate.He murdered his so-called suave boss ....barely thinking about what would happen to his family ........I know what you would say now ...that he should have stuck to him bare minimum salary ....sent half of it home and lived like another dirty worm in the drain who lived and died for nothing .
But ....he lived ...he lived for himself .....a lonely life though(Anyway he was lonely .......) ...and absolutely MADE IT ...whatever it was to him ....getting the best blonde or making 7 times the money he had eloped with .I feel that was his right ..he never got what he deserved .....He was pushed out of the school .....he had to clean the "ARSES" of his so-called masters,he had to live like a shodden animal just metres apart from the palatial chambers where his masters lived like kings .
And why ..i would like to quote "SOME MEN ARE BORN GREAT AND SOME BORN TO BE THEIR SLAVES ".Isnt it .
Every morning as you open your eyes ,every morning that you head to your workplace ,and every evening you come and see the faces of your loved ones everyone expects you to flash a smile on your face ,a big one , a confirmation that everything is safe and secure ..and if by chance some thing looks out of place ........no one even cares for a while before they come heavily on you .WHY AM I NOT HUMAN ?????? Is my life supposed to be perfect like the blonde travelling in a PORCHE flashing her tiara and her sunglasses .Oh no i forgot ..i wasn't born great ....Just that my father was not corrupt enough to hoodwink people and today i face the disaster ....just because he couldnt steal .
And those who did ...sorry no offences meant ....their beautiful lady florence like daughters ,travelling in those beautiful cars ,not even a speck of sunlight touching their golden colored skin ....look at them .Today i bear the dire consequences of my father's honesty .........And i am in no mood to do the same .
The crux of the matter is ..all of us ..we have reached a point ..where we dont respect anything..where love doesnt matter ,diligence doesnt matter ,honesty doesnt matter ....all that matters is what appeals to your flesh ..........
So what if BALRAM HALWAI muredered his boss .His act expurgated the "SINS" ....i.e honesty ...of his father .He absolved all his generations of ......pain ,humilition and oppression .....once and for all .
Yes for once and for all ...I am not a murderer ...you are not as well ...but at the end of the day who cares ..........if my a** gets kicked everyday ..should i hesiatate to do the same ...if i do ..i am undoubtedly GOD ..if i dont i BET i am the finest of all humans ......No offences meant
THE DAY IT RAINNED
Lovely friday evening ......the rain has almost drenched my parched soul..i have soaked it all .....
Walking out of the office is always a great feeling.Getting into it is something ....i hate to describe.Got into a auto ,convinced him for a total of 20 bucks ....got down and got into another one.I am blankly looking around ,waiting for the autowallah to load his maximum capacity .I am thinking as well ,as i always do .Voidly staring at the traffic signal turn from red to green ,vice-versa.The autowallah is shouting at the top of his voice ....."LV PRASAD"....understand his frustration ..it is already 20 minutes ..still no one.Even i am getting a little impatient.My fiance just called me up ."Where are you,i am already home"..he sounded a little impatient .Finally i speak up ..."Bhaiyya chaliye bhi ..kitna time wait karoge".... no reply ...he is half inside and half outside the auto .....he is busy coaxing people to board his auto ..""ma'am idhar ,LV PRASAD.Ray of hope within 5 minutes ...it is almost ready to go.
Our "UDHAN KAHTOLA" as i call it ,swerves past cabs ,cars and all others of its own kind.I am sitting beside the open door ,as i always do whether it is a train ,bus or anything else,i just love to look outside .And today i am loving it more and more .The cold wind is thumping on my face ,the lights are rushing past me ........the drizzle is falling on my face .Whoa i just love the feeling.
I got down ...crossed the road ..took another auto .....and got down straight at madhapur.Desperately crossed the road ... rushed up the staircase of the pink coloured building and banged the door ...i often do that ,and i swear that the, feeling of doing that never dies ,it never gets boring and monotonous ,the face that reveals itself is the most soothing and most tolerant face on the earth .It smiles ,and the smile itself says it all ,that whatever you do ....whatever you are ..you are always welcome ...it is a smile of acceptance .
We go downstairs and i jump into my place in the car and head for KFC .
We have our food ,go for a chai and head back home .A wonderful evening.A wonderful friend.I wonder why we need so much in life .After all the best things in life are free only....
Love
sushmita
Walking out of the office is always a great feeling.Getting into it is something ....i hate to describe.Got into a auto ,convinced him for a total of 20 bucks ....got down and got into another one.I am blankly looking around ,waiting for the autowallah to load his maximum capacity .I am thinking as well ,as i always do .Voidly staring at the traffic signal turn from red to green ,vice-versa.The autowallah is shouting at the top of his voice ....."LV PRASAD"....understand his frustration ..it is already 20 minutes ..still no one.Even i am getting a little impatient.My fiance just called me up ."Where are you,i am already home"..he sounded a little impatient .Finally i speak up ..."Bhaiyya chaliye bhi ..kitna time wait karoge".... no reply ...he is half inside and half outside the auto .....he is busy coaxing people to board his auto ..""ma'am idhar ,LV PRASAD.Ray of hope within 5 minutes ...it is almost ready to go.
Our "UDHAN KAHTOLA" as i call it ,swerves past cabs ,cars and all others of its own kind.I am sitting beside the open door ,as i always do whether it is a train ,bus or anything else,i just love to look outside .And today i am loving it more and more .The cold wind is thumping on my face ,the lights are rushing past me ........the drizzle is falling on my face .Whoa i just love the feeling.
I got down ...crossed the road ..took another auto .....and got down straight at madhapur.Desperately crossed the road ... rushed up the staircase of the pink coloured building and banged the door ...i often do that ,and i swear that the, feeling of doing that never dies ,it never gets boring and monotonous ,the face that reveals itself is the most soothing and most tolerant face on the earth .It smiles ,and the smile itself says it all ,that whatever you do ....whatever you are ..you are always welcome ...it is a smile of acceptance .
We go downstairs and i jump into my place in the car and head for KFC .
We have our food ,go for a chai and head back home .A wonderful evening.A wonderful friend.I wonder why we need so much in life .After all the best things in life are free only....
Love
sushmita
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
240 watts
Somehow time is drifting .....Yesterday suddenly when i looked at the calendar i realized that in another 55 days ..i will complete 2 years in hyderabad .....My heartbeats stopped and i actually couldnt feel my heart pounding for a while.2 long years !!!!!!And i still feel like a child lost in the bewilderness ,floundering ,scuttling.
I stilll love to loose myself in the bygone years ,moments and people almost imagining that everything and everyone just the same when i left them . I keep travelling back and forth in time talking to people in my thoughts. I still ponder if anything has actually happened in these last two years ...i am still there rushing through those alleys with my college bag ....lest i get late for a lecture .Seems like time has stopped long long back or may be its just that i dont want it to budge.When i open my eyes in the morning ...i take time to realize where i am .It is as if those voices are still resonating in my ears calling me aloud...SUSH GET UP !!!!!! WE ARE LATE FOR THE LECTURE.......As i get up ,and head for the bathroom ....again ....i start dreaming ......we never had the concept of a attached bathroom in the college ....we had common bathrooms ....and then LIPSA ,MAGGI would always be there , begging an excuse .....5 MINUTES ...HO JAYEGA ...For the lazybirds like me ....i used to be last in the queue and heavens forbid if PRIYAJITA got in ..... you had no chance whatever .....
One night a few ladies had seen AMERICAN PIE -5.The next morning i saw someone brushing at the wash basin .We looked at each other ,we hadnt uttered a word ,and we burst out laughing(Rememeber the running race).
And i also remember the evening when the most innocuous character of my batch (one lady,i wont name because she is married ) was forced into this dirty world of lust and desire . yeah something in her had compellled her to go and get the BASIC INSTINCT CD from the local CD shop all alone.HATS OFF to her .One big thing for a woman like her.
As i take my cab ...to office everything starts moving behind .....everything starts blurring .....and i again start dreaming ......CANTEEN ...that was our favourite hangout.It was probably the most happeneing place in the entire college because you would be sleeping in the class and once you got there you suddenly got that elixir of life,familiar faces,seniors ,juniors ranting about "COUNTERSTRIKE" or the P*** movie they saw last night,.It had the flavour and happeningness of a fish market i would say ,i loved it.Irrespective of any engagements a visit to the canteen was a must .Myself and vasu .....we used to savor the idli and tea there ... today also i have the same breakfast ....but something is seriously missing .If you are going through my blog i would certainly suggest you something ....everything in life is beautiful ..even the smallest things ....but most of the times we dont realize them, not because we dont have the knack to do so ..rather because .. we are alone most of the times ,we surround ourshelves with so much of us that we see only ourshelves .We dont have someone who could say ...look thats so amazing.The worst is enjoyable in the company of the best.Alone we are nothing.
My eyes are almost closing down ....not that i am sleepy ,i dont want to look at the disconcerting "Tamasha" outside.
Amartya,vasu,harish,krithika,abhijeet ......my five close buddies..
Amartya----alias GOPABANDHU DASH---FAMOUS PHILOSOPHER
harish-----HARIA---GUY NEXT DOOR
VASU------HUMARI BEHENJI----THE APPLE OF EVERY GUY'S EYES
KRITHIKA----SEXY MAMA----MADDU DON
ABHIJEET----GHOSH ----THE MADMAN
SUSH---LAILA----(I OWE THIS NAME TO MR.DON DAS....i am quite thankful to you sir ...my classmates still address me by this name,and i will never forget the day you coined this phrase...prefinal year hallday..heheh)
It is impossible to come into terms with the present .My heart is stuck somewhere in the labyrinths of my college.I keep on pining and pining......................I get down from the cab leaving the comfort of the AC and the sound of the radio FM behind me until it fades into nothingness.An auto stops ......and here i go .......to end another day of "GODS KNOWS WHAT".
I stilll love to loose myself in the bygone years ,moments and people almost imagining that everything and everyone just the same when i left them . I keep travelling back and forth in time talking to people in my thoughts. I still ponder if anything has actually happened in these last two years ...i am still there rushing through those alleys with my college bag ....lest i get late for a lecture .Seems like time has stopped long long back or may be its just that i dont want it to budge.When i open my eyes in the morning ...i take time to realize where i am .It is as if those voices are still resonating in my ears calling me aloud...SUSH GET UP !!!!!! WE ARE LATE FOR THE LECTURE.......As i get up ,and head for the bathroom ....again ....i start dreaming ......we never had the concept of a attached bathroom in the college ....we had common bathrooms ....and then LIPSA ,MAGGI would always be there , begging an excuse .....5 MINUTES ...HO JAYEGA ...For the lazybirds like me ....i used to be last in the queue and heavens forbid if PRIYAJITA got in ..... you had no chance whatever .....
One night a few ladies had seen AMERICAN PIE -5.The next morning i saw someone brushing at the wash basin .We looked at each other ,we hadnt uttered a word ,and we burst out laughing(Rememeber the running race).
And i also remember the evening when the most innocuous character of my batch (one lady,i wont name because she is married ) was forced into this dirty world of lust and desire . yeah something in her had compellled her to go and get the BASIC INSTINCT CD from the local CD shop all alone.HATS OFF to her .One big thing for a woman like her.
As i take my cab ...to office everything starts moving behind .....everything starts blurring .....and i again start dreaming ......CANTEEN ...that was our favourite hangout.It was probably the most happeneing place in the entire college because you would be sleeping in the class and once you got there you suddenly got that elixir of life,familiar faces,seniors ,juniors ranting about "COUNTERSTRIKE" or the P*** movie they saw last night,.It had the flavour and happeningness of a fish market i would say ,i loved it.Irrespective of any engagements a visit to the canteen was a must .Myself and vasu .....we used to savor the idli and tea there ... today also i have the same breakfast ....but something is seriously missing .If you are going through my blog i would certainly suggest you something ....everything in life is beautiful ..even the smallest things ....but most of the times we dont realize them, not because we dont have the knack to do so ..rather because .. we are alone most of the times ,we surround ourshelves with so much of us that we see only ourshelves .We dont have someone who could say ...look thats so amazing.The worst is enjoyable in the company of the best.Alone we are nothing.
My eyes are almost closing down ....not that i am sleepy ,i dont want to look at the disconcerting "Tamasha" outside.
Amartya,vasu,harish,krithika,abhijeet ......my five close buddies..
Amartya----alias GOPABANDHU DASH---FAMOUS PHILOSOPHER
harish-----HARIA---GUY NEXT DOOR
VASU------HUMARI BEHENJI----THE APPLE OF EVERY GUY'S EYES
KRITHIKA----SEXY MAMA----MADDU DON
ABHIJEET----GHOSH ----THE MADMAN
SUSH---LAILA----(I OWE THIS NAME TO MR.DON DAS....i am quite thankful to you sir ...my classmates still address me by this name,and i will never forget the day you coined this phrase...prefinal year hallday..heheh)
It is impossible to come into terms with the present .My heart is stuck somewhere in the labyrinths of my college.I keep on pining and pining......................I get down from the cab leaving the comfort of the AC and the sound of the radio FM behind me until it fades into nothingness.An auto stops ......and here i go .......to end another day of "GODS KNOWS WHAT".
Who Killed Jimmy??
Life is usually tough for a sloth ...but that is what i am ..an inveterate sloth which clearly states that i love to do nothing.By the way i am not here to prove that i am breaking my slothdom ..in anyway ....i love staticity ,everyone does.But i would like to throw some light on of my intermittent visits here .
one winter evening i was fast asleep ,and suddenly i got up with a start ...i had a nightmare .....
full of people here there everywhere and in the middle was i ....standing on my toes trying to manage with the bare minimum space as possible ........like a sadhu baba .There was noise and chaos ..people were getting mad .suddenly someone came running brushing by my side and before i realized anything ..i had fallen into a dark sewage ......i tried to yell but my voice was inaudible to myself..the next moment i was wide awake on my bed looking at the open bottom of the sewage which had transformed itself into the ceiling.
I tried to dismiss it as just another dream but it kept coming .Something was bugging me .Then suddenly i realized one day ,everytime i landed up in the pit ...i used to find myself on the bed glacing at the ceiling .But what if i never woke up .What if i got stuck up there while it started raining and water rose to my knees ,waist ,neck ......What would happen to my loved ones........they would probably mourn till the end of their lives not because of the sheer loss of me .........but rather my clueless sad demise ...and my innocuous sad soul would be damned to perdition right there in the sewage ......WHAT PLIGHT ......there is a proverb in hindi ....DHOBI KA KUTTA ..NA GHAR KA NA GHAAT KA.My entire life was caught up in the dirty drains and my death in a sewage .
So i decided right there .......whatever it be ..i wont let my death go unanswered ...rather my blog will bear testimony to whatever happened ..."THE DAY I DIE"...Although i dont expect people to come running to salvage my poor soul ,but i still hope that would offer some fruits and offerings to the gods and deities ..so that they help me in the cause .By the way now that i am still alive ans still inmy senses i would like focus on a number of other issues which is why i landed up in the dark pit ....
Enter Jimmy....
Now i have cared to bring jimmy into picture because his people loved him just the way my parents love me ,and his death would bring same amount to greif to his people as mine getting caught up in that shithole would to my parents.Jimmy is a cute and short ....fellow .He has those really nice long hair that can leave women blushing .He is one thing man .But usually he looses his temper especially when he sees unknown people ....not that he is a misanthrope ....he loves his own people .May be he gets stressed out at times like all of us do ......Last time a friend saw him he was shouting so badly ....that he ended up with a bad throat ....my friend thought he had TB or something .Another friend who hesitates to be named ......gave a DHAMKI ...that one night he was gonna finish him off.....Now that Jimmy is DEAD ....MAMLA THANDA PAD GAAYA HAI.
So it all started this way ...it was a wonderful bright morning making me redolent of spring.It was 6 :00 clock in the morning .I had decided to wake up early and go for a walk .I was happily jogging on the footpath without paying any heed to the potholes or sewages ......Far from the distance i could someone shouting ,it sounded familiar .....as i got closer i discovered that it was none other than jimmy .I waved but it shouted .....Icontinued on my course.Then suddenly something went past me .....man!! it was like the flash of a lightning,so fast ,my mind went blank and my fingers went numb.pooh!! I looked at my white tracks ....i ran my fingers on my face ....suddenly i started feeling uneasy ......the thoughts of the black pit started coming to me .I decided to head back home.
Days passed ......and one sunday afternoon when i was killing time doing nothing ....a thought crossed my mind.....that why not drop in at Jimmy's.I dressed up fast ,took an auto and here i was ....I opened the gate ..rushed upstairs ......but no one was to be found.I desperately tried to find someone ....but to no avail.Then when i was leaving their house one old woman bumped into me .It was jimmy's owner .With tears in her eyes .......she almost burst into uncontrollable tears ......yes JIMMY WAS NO MORE .It had happened the same day i had gone for a walk .......the vehicle ..that had run past me .......THE BRAND NEW AUDI A8.....
Jimmy had decided to move on its own ..it was happily strolling on the road .......because it hardly got to do that ...most of the time it was in chains only .........but ......it had been run over ....by the BRAND NEW AUDI A8.
ALAS!! still i feel that it was luckier than me in many respects ..1st>>It didnt have to die in the sewer 2nd>> Guess one rich man's AUDI ...put an end to its fragile life .And the big garland he presented on the funereal.....was worth a sight .
Now i have also decided....no sewer ..if i have to die ..it should be nothing short of a bentley.That is what can me salvation from the dark sewer.Not that tough ..you can try it in the CITY OF VILLIANS.
one winter evening i was fast asleep ,and suddenly i got up with a start ...i had a nightmare .....
full of people here there everywhere and in the middle was i ....standing on my toes trying to manage with the bare minimum space as possible ........like a sadhu baba .There was noise and chaos ..people were getting mad .suddenly someone came running brushing by my side and before i realized anything ..i had fallen into a dark sewage ......i tried to yell but my voice was inaudible to myself..the next moment i was wide awake on my bed looking at the open bottom of the sewage which had transformed itself into the ceiling.
I tried to dismiss it as just another dream but it kept coming .Something was bugging me .Then suddenly i realized one day ,everytime i landed up in the pit ...i used to find myself on the bed glacing at the ceiling .But what if i never woke up .What if i got stuck up there while it started raining and water rose to my knees ,waist ,neck ......What would happen to my loved ones........they would probably mourn till the end of their lives not because of the sheer loss of me .........but rather my clueless sad demise ...and my innocuous sad soul would be damned to perdition right there in the sewage ......WHAT PLIGHT ......there is a proverb in hindi ....DHOBI KA KUTTA ..NA GHAR KA NA GHAAT KA.My entire life was caught up in the dirty drains and my death in a sewage .
So i decided right there .......whatever it be ..i wont let my death go unanswered ...rather my blog will bear testimony to whatever happened ..."THE DAY I DIE"...Although i dont expect people to come running to salvage my poor soul ,but i still hope that would offer some fruits and offerings to the gods and deities ..so that they help me in the cause .By the way now that i am still alive ans still inmy senses i would like focus on a number of other issues which is why i landed up in the dark pit ....
Enter Jimmy....
Now i have cared to bring jimmy into picture because his people loved him just the way my parents love me ,and his death would bring same amount to greif to his people as mine getting caught up in that shithole would to my parents.Jimmy is a cute and short ....fellow .He has those really nice long hair that can leave women blushing .He is one thing man .But usually he looses his temper especially when he sees unknown people ....not that he is a misanthrope ....he loves his own people .May be he gets stressed out at times like all of us do ......Last time a friend saw him he was shouting so badly ....that he ended up with a bad throat ....my friend thought he had TB or something .Another friend who hesitates to be named ......gave a DHAMKI ...that one night he was gonna finish him off.....Now that Jimmy is DEAD ....MAMLA THANDA PAD GAAYA HAI.
So it all started this way ...it was a wonderful bright morning making me redolent of spring.It was 6 :00 clock in the morning .I had decided to wake up early and go for a walk .I was happily jogging on the footpath without paying any heed to the potholes or sewages ......Far from the distance i could someone shouting ,it sounded familiar .....as i got closer i discovered that it was none other than jimmy .I waved but it shouted .....Icontinued on my course.Then suddenly something went past me .....man!! it was like the flash of a lightning,so fast ,my mind went blank and my fingers went numb.pooh!! I looked at my white tracks ....i ran my fingers on my face ....suddenly i started feeling uneasy ......the thoughts of the black pit started coming to me .I decided to head back home.
Days passed ......and one sunday afternoon when i was killing time doing nothing ....a thought crossed my mind.....that why not drop in at Jimmy's.I dressed up fast ,took an auto and here i was ....I opened the gate ..rushed upstairs ......but no one was to be found.I desperately tried to find someone ....but to no avail.Then when i was leaving their house one old woman bumped into me .It was jimmy's owner .With tears in her eyes .......she almost burst into uncontrollable tears ......yes JIMMY WAS NO MORE .It had happened the same day i had gone for a walk .......the vehicle ..that had run past me .......THE BRAND NEW AUDI A8.....
Jimmy had decided to move on its own ..it was happily strolling on the road .......because it hardly got to do that ...most of the time it was in chains only .........but ......it had been run over ....by the BRAND NEW AUDI A8.
ALAS!! still i feel that it was luckier than me in many respects ..1st>>It didnt have to die in the sewer 2nd>> Guess one rich man's AUDI ...put an end to its fragile life .And the big garland he presented on the funereal.....was worth a sight .
Now i have also decided....no sewer ..if i have to die ..it should be nothing short of a bentley.That is what can me salvation from the dark sewer.Not that tough ..you can try it in the CITY OF VILLIANS.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
BUNDLE OF CONTRADICTIONS
The manifestations of a sinner
wednesday, january 14 ,2009 ,11:03 IST
Myself anonymous ,
in some honest confessions ,to myself and the world .
Well to begin with , i am the biggest mess the god might have ever created .
I never stop thinking even when i am sleeping .....my thoughts come to me as apparitions and
phantoms.
I am torn in a strife between mercy and mercilessness.
I am equally in love and equally not in love .I am befuddled as to whether infidelity is a better solution over loyality .
I want to live in the moment but i brood over the past .I hate but i dont hate at the same time.
What am i ??????
I have stayed sleepless over years altogether over heavy doses of caffeine which managed to salvage me for quite some time.And i spent those years in eternal ruminations ...that what ought to be correct and what not .I was troubled over a millions of questions and i still am ....like.....
Why is that i have stopped enjoying the smallest things of my life .
Why is that my heartbeats dont get faster with the smell of the parched soil drenched in rain ??????
Why is that even if i have the softest bed on the earth i can't manage to sleep the way i used to huddled against my mother's belly??????
Why is that during the summers the arrival of the cuckoo passes without a notice??????
Why is that even if i have the best clothes i feel as if something were missing??????
Why is that , the colors which used to fill me with exitement seemed to have faded into black and white
Why is that the exoticness of my desires have started to show their failures ??????
Why is that i dont feel the touch ..nor the frangrance ....of what has meant to be everything in my life
......surprisingly??????
Suddenly my outsides have started looking beautiful ..... BUT my inside is dead .
SILENCE ...What are you thinking .Are you also going through the same delirium .
My endless searches for the truth have revealed nothing .....except
I have been offering myself to ignorances.
I decided to run towards the darker end even when light was there at the other.Who killed me??????Myself
In the short run of my life i have looked at everything outside except my innerself.
The sight of the glitter of a rich kid's earrings filled me with the desire of possessing it .
I have hated walking .I have loathed illiteracy and poverty .
All my life i have lived being petrified of the unknown .
I have been constantly running away from something that was never chasing me.
Consequences .....A relentless fight "for god knows what ".The frailing ,never-ending road to perdition.
Could i have saved myself ....
For someone who still stands a chance of survival .....All the glory defined and redefined over the ages is nothing but a falsification of the ultimate truth .The truth is nothing but you .
Dont fix your eyes so much on your neighbour's BMW that you miss out the joy of sipping a cup of coffee with loved one.
Dont be so much oblivious that you fail to notice the exiquisite colors on the wings of a butterfly.
See the beauty of the undulating road that gives you the feeling of weightfullness and weightlessness and not the beautiful palaces that pass by.
Try to feel the words of a person, not his voice.
Dont make the mistakes i have made .
I know and we all know that we have to survive.Both you and me need a roof to cover the few inches of our skin ,that we need to nibble a few grains of
food to survive our falling bods.Survival is a must.Indeed.
But save thy soul first .Live as you have never lived.Die as if you have lived it all .Life is calling.......:):)
Ah, rend not my heart for naming of my Christ!
Yet will I call on him: O spare me, Lucifer!—
Where is it now? ’Tis gone; and see where God
Stretcheth out his arm, and bends his ireful brows!
Mountain and hills come, come and fall on me,
And hide me from the heavy wrath of God!
No! no!
Then will I headlong run into the earth;
Earth gape! O no, it will not harbour me!
You stars that reign’d at my nativity,
Whose influence hath alloted death and hell,
Now draw up Faustus like a foggy mist
Into the entrails of yon labouring clouds,
That when they vomit forth into the air,
My limbs may issue from their smoky mouths,
So that my soul may but ascend to Heaven. The watch strikes [the half hour].
Ah, half the hour is past! ’Twill all be past anon!
O God!
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